Buried Alive


Blogging the “No” by pisaquaririse
April 1, 2008, 4:41 pm
Filed under: anek-doting, Grab a shovel, Interconnected!

via Editorializing the Editors:

“… my “no” needs to be heard. My “yes” is taken for granted already.”

And that is what I call a preciselyism–poignantly pointed. Prickly prick!

Using that I will clarify a little about this blog:

I blog for the “no.”

I cry for the “no.”

I want the “no.”

I take quite seriously the “no.”

My “no” is often ignored, often not heard or, at most, watered down into maybe/possibly/probably/she is just lying or kidding or prudish or a bitch or too [insert typical insult].

The “no” is commonly the cry unheard round the world.

The “no” is mocked.

The “no” is sexualized.

The”no” is muted in the daily lives of millions and millions and millions (…) of women.

In a patriarchy the “yes” sounds louder, the “yes” has more reverb, lasts longer. The “yes” is reinforced at every turn by media, by advertising, by men, by personal exchanges, by orgasms/smiles/serotonin, by nearly all public appearances. And at the fault of no woman: one woman’s “yes” counters twenty women’s “no.”

No is the after thought: the how-could-anyone-have-known , the too-far-away-to-care, the too-late.

No is not in the forefront. No is the shadow, the two sentence blurp in the news right before the cut to commercials where Revlon or a sitcom vignette tells us yes. No is the painful memory we must only tell in secret, in special meetings, in therapy groups, with psychiatrists who can provide enough forget-me-pills to drown out “no.”
“No” hides.

“No” delays.

“No” has no place.

“Yes” medicates the “no” away from itself. “Yes” blurs lines, blows smoke, masquerades, silences.

“Yes” is part of the entitlement infrastructure of patriarchy. Men are entitled to my “yes.” Women are entitled to my yes. Much of my life has been structured around the “yes.” I am lost in “yes” and smothered and beaten down and forced by “yes.”
I cannot count how many times I’ve been in a situation where I am three “yes’s” in by default, before I knew what was going on–before “no” was even presented as an option. I cannot count how many times my “no” never occurred to me, or how faintly it cried.

Now years later my memories speak louder the “no” I had all along, the “no” that now only baits pain in its own hindsight.

I want to yell “NO” louder with more blog posts.

I want to yell “NO” louder in my own life (and often that strength comes from this online community).

I want to listen closer so I can hear the “NO!” that shames itself into a whisper in the voices of the women around me.

I want “NO!” to startle and affect.

I want with everything I have to compensate for the everywhere-allthetime-everywoman “yes”–not a balance, not a crowd pleasing 50/50 but unapologetically, not even beginning to teeter on evenness, NO.

In this space, on this blog, under my moderation, NO gets the mic. NO is assumed, is admitted, is discovered, is the obvious, is the default. NO is shameless and forthright and annoyed and understanding and scared.

NO is loud. Listen.

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20 Comments so far
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Pisaquari, I want to set up a new blog carnival and just fill it with your wonderful posts.

This is really special, this one, really amazing. It’s funny because I’ve been thinking something similar to the sentiments you express here all day, though a lot less eloquently of course, and it feels like you’ve just said it all for me.

My no’s aren’t nearly loud enough, but I’m learning. xxx

Comment by Debs

“I’ve been thinking something similar to the sentiments you express here all day”

I call it the Rafem Psyche Collective. I need to start keeping tabs on the number of posts I come across weekly that are eerily like something I had planned to write. Tis really strange sometimes.

And I’m all smiles to hear this speaks to you. I mean for it to.

Comment by pisaquaririse

Thanks so much, and I’m really glad I could, in part, inspire this eloquent and much needed post.

Comment by L

Wow fantastic!

Just got to love this…

“In this space, on this blog, under my moderation, NO gets the mic. NO is assumed, is admitted, is discovered, is the obvious, is the default. NO is shameless and forthright and annoyed and understanding and scared.

NO is loud. Listen.”

🙂

Comment by sparklematrix

Thanks so much for all your posts. I have been quite nervous to place a comment for you write so beautifully.
NO is properly the most important word in my life.
For the vast majority of my life my noes have been silent.
My noes if heard were treated as a sign of madness,
But NO was always inside me keeping my mind safe from the hell of my reality.
I lived inside male violence, where all noes are translated into YES. Then I was convince I losing my mind.
Now, I live where I have discovered that I can say NO, and it not only heard, but can help create a rallying for an death to all the Yeses I had been force to live.
I say to no to saying child sexual abuse will always be with us.
I say to no that porn is fun and empowerering. That it can be framed as “feminist”.
I say to all the men who think paying cash means he has the right to rape, torture and murder.
All this I have said in my body, but been silent all my life.
Now, I join all the women who will fight back and say NO.

Comment by rmott62

Thank you. It is because my default state was thought to be “yes,” that my body was assumed to say “yes,” that I have been called a “tease”, “cunt”, “whore” and “bitch” for verbally saying “no”

Comment by Lara

And this is precisely why the whole “yes means yes” nonsense is a steaming pile of poo.

Let me join in the choir and say “AMAZING POST” once again 😀

Comment by Mary Tracy9

I should learn not to muck araund with html. Please delete the above comment.

Pisaquari, I want to set up a new blog carnival and just fill it with your wonderful posts.

I second this. Beautiful, beautiful writing here pisaquari. And of course wonderful elucidation of that little word ‘no’.

Comment by allecto

Geee..gotta put on my boots 😉

L–yes it was your post that sent me into one of those whirlwind “gotta write! gotta write!” Thank you for your words here and there.

Sparkle–thank you. I spent maybe 15 minutes trying to get the word “listen” to be smaller. WordPress and I have a torrid relationship.

rmott–the last thing I want my writing to do is keep someone away! You’ve got a wonderful NO and I get such a rush reading you slam it down the way you do. Bring it here as much as you’d like.

Lara–and that’s just it isn’t it? All those words feminists are trying to reclaim and give meaning on an *individual* basis? It makes me wonder how many women actually *feel*-actually *see*-oppression.

“the whole “yes means yes” nonsense”–yeah well I’ve got more than a few posts in me on that one.
Such a stale statement: who the fuck ever got hurt or abused by “yes”? Blaaaahhbleeblaahh Good eye and thanks Mary Tracy!

Muchos appreciative to you allecto. And all right so you are making me address this: the pisaquari blog carnival–where do I write you and Debs check?

And: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

🙂

Comment by pisaquaririse

[…] Gorgon Poisons from the Infernal Dark, where the Dread Sisters have their place… « Me wasting some time Because pisaquari can write my socks off and she makes me jealous April 2, 2008 Blogging the No […]

Pingback by Because pisaquari can write my socks off and she makes me jealous « Gorgon Poisons

You really captured what it is like to grow up as a female in this world. Brilliant!

Comment by xochitl

I love this, so powerful and so right!

Comment by Michelle

“what it is like to grow up as a female”
So much commonality amidst our differences!

Thank you xochitl and Michelle!

Comment by pisaquaririse

This is perfect. Er that’s it….

Comment by Polly Styrene

Hell YES!

I mean no. NO. NOOOOOOOO!!!

Fantastic Pisaquari!

Comment by delphyne

Hey thanks Polly and delphyne!

Comment by pisaquaririse

I like what you say and the way that you say it.

Comment by Jennifer Cascadia

Welcome Jennifer and thank you!

Comment by pisaquaririse

[…] we seem slight in analysis (as I’ve said before and will continue to -let me count the ways) is on the “not to do” option. Taking that […]

Pingback by Feminism and Choice, p.2 « Buried Alive

Great post, Pisaquari! 🙂

I wanna yell for my “NO” to be heard too.

Comment by Maggie Hays




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