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I ended a partnership of over 4 years about 3 months ago. Cheating.
(And don’t even get me started)
Here is what I know so far: as a female, I calculate emotional pain in unimaginable doses, re-allotting in idiotic patterns and measures to see if this time, just this time, it will work.
So what the hell does that mean.
I don’t even know, really.
The unimaginable doses are the vat-sized wells I visualize inside of me. I can fill and dump and fill and dump-fast like a damn tube-I am capable of enduring waves that leave me beached bones. It hardly occurs to me, until too late, if ever I should have had to endure such emotional anguish. And because I have been taught (though rightly) that love is emotion-based, I misplace BIG emotions in a relationship with LOVE. How men use physical pain to mean worth, I use emotional pain in a relationship.
The re-allotment of idiotic patterns and measure is how I expect the repayment of my emotions to be met. If they can put up with and, even meet, some of my pain-based demands, my heart steals a glance. Do this a lot? “What’s your number?”
In a break-up, these are the ties that bind: how much do I hurt them before they start to mean something again? How much did they hurt in this relationship and does the pain I caused them outweigh the pain they caused me?
Never fear. I am done with this fucker.
I never want to love like this again.
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