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I ended a partnership of over 4 years about 3 months ago. Cheating.
Fucker.
(And don’t even get me started)
Here is what I know so far: as a female, I calculate emotional pain in unimaginable doses, re-allotting in idiotic patterns and measures to see if this time, just this time, it will work.
So what the hell does that mean.
I don’t even know, really.
The unimaginable doses are the vat-sized wells I visualize inside of me. I can fill and dump and fill and dump-fast like a damn tube-I am capable of enduring waves that leave me beached bones. It hardly occurs to me, until too late, if ever I should have had to endure such emotional anguish. And because I have been taught (though rightly) that love is emotion-based, I misplace BIG emotions in a relationship with LOVE. How men use physical pain to mean worth, I use emotional pain in a relationship.
Love,
Masochism
The re-allotment of idiotic patterns and measure is how I expect the repayment of my emotions to be met. If they can put up with and, even meet, some of my pain-based demands, my heart steals a glance. Do this a lot? “What’s your number?”
In a break-up, these are the ties that bind: how much do I hurt them before they start to mean something again? How much did they hurt in this relationship and does the pain I caused them outweigh the pain they caused me?
Love,
Sadism
Never fear. I am done with this fucker.
But.
I never want to love like this again.
5 Comments so far
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I’m sorry it hurts. Hang in there.
Comment by sam October 13, 2010 @ 12:28 amI am too too late for this: thank you sam. 🙂
Comment by pisaquaririse October 21, 2010 @ 1:56 amOuch!
Comment by thebewilderness November 3, 2010 @ 10:39 pmRule of thumb: never love anyone more than you love yourself.
Comment by luckynickl March 27, 2011 @ 7:51 amWould it be insensitive of me to say WTF it’s been a year!
Comment by thebewilderness December 1, 2011 @ 3:47 amI hope you are well.